UR Addiction Recovery: Maintaining Balance

Maintaining Balance in Recovery

A Formal Expression Series (please leave comments regarding what helps you and others in recovery):
Brandon Bruce Dellario LMSW LASAC
When I see a baggy or anything that looks like drugs on the ground, I’ve been taught to immediately approach it, step on it and grind it into the ground.  Most drugs will be destroyed this way.

   I really put some effort into it too.  If I find drugs or alcohol somewhere in my house, car or anywhere I feel the need to dispose of it, I immediately take it to the toilet (without thinking) and flush it down.  I will call my sponsor or another peer in recovery while on my way.  If I give myself too much time in doing these things, I might be risking a desire to use
     There are many other things which can trigger a desire to use for me.  Some movies and music can trigger an urge.  I walk away or turn them off immediately.  It’s just a sacrifice I make to stay clean.  If I hear someone talking about specific drugs or details about using, this can be tough for me.  I immediately start into the tools I have listed below.  I get myself out of the situation without thinking of what others will think.  If I’m in a meeting, I will cut off the person sharing and say “I’m an addict named Brandon and I have a desire to use” then share about it.  If anyone is upset by my doing this, I don’t care.  I know my life depends on this (sharing about desires to drink & drug).  If the chair or someone else cuts me off, it may mean they don’t have experience with this situation.  I will take someone aside and tell them about my desire to use.  If the desire persists, I will do some fellowship or calls outside of the meeting.
When I do get a desire to use, there are four tools which help me most.  Here is what I’ve learned.
#1.  Pray.  The prayer I repeat over and over when I have a desire to use is “please remove my desire to use.”  I sometimes pray by talking to my higher power in my own way of speaking.  Other times I will recite prayers I’ve learned.  My grandsponsor  told me that once he prayed the Serenity Prayer over and over in his mind for two days straight, in order to get through a difficult time.  He has over 20 years clean, I’m working on 8 years clean.  Prayer has worked for us and millions of others since the twelve steps were written in the 1930s.  Mantras and meditation is also considered a part of this practice.
#2.  Call.  I call another recovering addict on my phone list and immediately tell them I want to use.  I get very specific about what I want to do and what I am feeling.  If I get to the bottom of the list after calling everyone and leaving whatever long messages I want, I will go straight back to the top of the list and start calling them all again.  I am also praying while dialing each number.  I do not want to go back to the misery of active addiction.  I remember the terrible, painful feelings inside my heart.  I lived in a dark and isolated place inside myself.  Now I don’t have to isolate when I’m upset.  I can call someone to experience the “unparalleled” help of one addict helping another.  This is a twelve step recovery term.  However, whether you identify yourself as a peer in recovery or not, you can be a useful person for someone to talk to on a bad day.
     Besides my regular meeting attendance, there are other times I need to talk to, call or fellowship with others who are doing good things in their life.  Especially those who can identify with the things I could be going through.  Peers in recovery help one another learn how to live clean.  I’ve never experienced many of the things that I do today.  I ask questions and ask for help from others now in learning these new things.  Other people in recovery seem to understand me best in many ways.  I can always go to them for help, or simply learn from them by seeing how they live.  Many people in my life role model for me every moment of the day.
#3.  Remember specific consequences I’ve endured from using in the past.  I keep five or so of these detailed memories on hand.  This tool helps me to remember why it is I don’t drink or use drugs.  I've heard this called a "life line."  In jest, I occasionally call it "negative visualization," but it really is a recall of negative imagery.  Painful memories that resulted from my days of active addiction.  Specific images, feelings, thoughts and general pain I experienced in past drinking and drug use.  I can also use them to remember why I practice my good habits today (important to stay clean).  I remember and think of as many of the bad memories as I can, or I know I am subject to romanticizing the past and glorifying my own use. 
#4.  Write.  All I need is a pen and scrap paper.  This is a great tool for getting ANYTHING out.  I write very honestly, as if no one will ever read it.  Sometimes I throw it away or burn it up afterward.  I sometimes feel a large empty space inside where there use to be lots of pain.  I know to fill it with good practices.  I have been shown ways to fill that space today by journaling, writing from a stepworking guide or other literature, reading, meditation, volunteering in the community or in my twelve-step program, and helping my friends and family regularly.
#5.  Remove the focus!  Doing something off the wall like a spontaneous walk, or maybe a comfortable night on the couch can get me through a difficult day.  I was told that I can do anything in writing the film of my life today.  I'd rather be working out or writing a novel, but sometimes Rocky Road ice cream and a good movie is the call of the day.  I can figure out a great deal of what's going on with me by using the HALT system (am I too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired).  I think of what I'm doing to take care of myself, and what I may be in need of just by remembering this tool.  
     These are a few of the things that help me stay clean while regularly maintaining a program of recovery.  Both the tools and the program fill me with joy today.  Most of the time I know these practices to be the next right decision.  They are a part of living clean and in recovery for me.  Another reason I do these activities is because they feel great and remind me of how and why I stay clean.  Not everyone does all of these things, but many people do many of them, even in non-twelve step programs such as SMART Recovery or various Faith-based programs for addiction treatment.  In fact, twelve-step programs actually evolved from Faith-based programs, as did the twelve steps themselves.