UR Addiction Recovery: Self-care in Social Interaction

Self-care in Social Interaction

A Formal Expression Series (please leave comments regarding what helps you and others in recovery):
Brandon Bruce Dellario LMSW LASAC

My Mother says that everyone is doing the best they can at all times.  Although that might not seem to be true at times, I believe it to be.  
When I feel as though someone is doing something which is unhealthy, it doesn’t feel good to see.  This is a way to find what is right and wrong for myself.  I look at the examples of others.  If it looks like a behavior I want to exemplify, I can do likewise.  If it looks like something to steer clear of, I do.  It’s as simple as that.  I have a rational mind and conscience to guide me on my path, along with consultation from healthy friends.
   When I was a young man, I made many mistakes.  I learned from my mistakes, which makes them very valuable to me.  Though I can beat myself up over anything, mistakes are in fact helpful tools for education and growth.  Remembering them also helps me to have empathy for the flaws of others.  In this way I can love my neighbor, free myself from resentments and live in wisdom, forgiveness and respect.  I like to think I only take action on the righteous judgments I make in life.  Sometimes, I may need to love someone from a distance in order to establish a healthy boundary.  This distance may also help them to help themselves.  Here is what I’ve learned regarding my personal relationships in recovery.

            When I came back to the twelve-step meetings (I had avoided like the plague previously), I had what they called “the gift of desperation.”  I sincerely knew I needed to change my life and I couldn’t do it alone.  I was ready to do what they told me to.  My spiritual guides of the time let me know some simple tools for interactions with people who use:

#1.  If using friends call or come around, I don’t let them in, literally or figuratively!  I let them know I need to steer clear of people who use.  I tell them I can’t talk or hang out for the time being.  If they ask why, I tell them that it’s what I need to do for myself right now, because this recovery stuff is about me, not them.  If they persist, telling me they are clean or don’t have anything on them, I tell them about the time and place of the next meeting.  They can meet me in the meeting if wish to see me.  It’s hard to turn away partners or friends that may have been there for you in the past.  It has simply been necessary for me to stay clean, and I am willing to go to any lengths in order to do so.

#2.  If I am forced to be around people who use regularly, I may ask myself why, and is it truly necessary.  If so, I share about it regularly with mentors, especially my sponsor or spiritual guide, and ask for suggestions. This is a situation which might be quite difficult, but it can also be viewed as an opportunity to practice the tools I’ve been learning in recovery.  I can pray, write about it, talk to friends about it, remember some of the consequences of my own use (where it took me and why I don’t want to go back), I can give myself a break by walking out of a stressful situation, or relieving myself in another healthy way. One tool I have found that's useful is to write down five to ten things I’m grateful for, and then just throw it away.  This is a great recovery tool for feeling better.  It is called a Gratitude List.  I personally have a few other methods of removing the focus from the problem, such as:  Movies; comics; music; art; exercise; milkshakes; driving; Nag Champa Incense; organizing and cleaning my room; working on fun little projects; singing; calling or writing friends; …  I have even found it helpful to grab a hammer when I’m angry and beat on the ground outside for relief.  An activity can be making a list of fun activities to do clean.  The only thing I lost was the using.  I fact, I have gained back everything else in life by giving up that using.  Some say there are healthy and unhealthy ways of catharsis.  Venting or blowing off steam.  Many activities are healthy compared to using.  For me, it’s not just a beer or a joint, it is a toxic poison.  “I’m allergic” I sometimes say.  This is not a lie.  I am allergic.  I will tell anyone I feel it is necessary to tell, the clerk at the local drugstore, the bartender at my regular restaurant, anyone.  I can even tell my uncle not to serve me anything at his house if I feel safe there otherwise.  But if anyone there is a drug or alcohol abuser, I usually leave and choose to avoid his house for a while.  I do these things a bit proudly at times, but better safe than sorry.  For me, the more barriers there are for me between living clean and using drugs, the better.  And as they say in twelve-step meetings, “you can’t save your face and your ass at the same time.”

#3.  If I know that someone is using, I do not make too much of a secret of it to others in meetings.
Many newcomers who come to meetings are still using off and on.  We also know peers who relapse after significant periods of abstinence.  Even people with years of recovery under their belt are susceptible to the tricky and baffling nature of this disease.  It can be helpful for friends in recovery to know that a mutual friend needs support. 
 I can, and do, keep one’s anonymity to outsiders in the larger community.  Especially if I know they value their right to anonymity.  This can even be fun, keeping wild stories forever strickly confidential, or talking about things in our secret language.
  In my regular life I don’t usually interfere in the lives of others unless I know someone is in danger.  I will actually turn my head the other way when I know someone is using on my street for instance.  Still, in the larger community, if someone interferes in my life (such as breaking into my house) or harms vulnerable people in some way, I will call the police today.  I no longer live by the code of honor among thieves.  I’m not a "buster" or "narc," but I am caring citizen, and sometimes a visit from the police might save someone’s life.  I am personally grateful for almost every time I was busted or otherwise arrested by the police.  Ninety-nine percent of the time it was an officer just doing his job, and actually saving me from myself.  Some of these interactions with officers and others professionals I regard as direct blessings from my higher power.

#4.  If I see someone in public that I know better than to be around, I have a few tactics:

     a).  ignore them completely.  This may be rude, but I do have the right and my life may depend on it that day.

     b).  just say hi, make it very brief (like I’m in a hurry) or remember to not break stride.

     c).  dump recovery information on them, telling them about all the great things I’ve been learning until they are sick of hearing about it or ready to meet me at a meeting some other time.  We do not hang out with people we know are using.  Doing this is known as a twelve-step call and is not done alone.  Even when done correctly it can be dangerous in ways.

     d).  I can lie :)  I can tell them I am under surveillance, that the police are following me at that minute, or I myself am becoming a police officer.  This is the one situation where I will advise someone to lie if they feel the need.  Living by spiritual principles and being myself is enough for the rest of my behavior around others.

          These everyday situations might actually be the difference between life and death for me, so I treat them as such.  If I pick up again, I might not be able to stop until I am dead or in prison, and those might be the lesser of the evils that lurk on the downward spiral of active addiction.  The disease of addiction is progressive.  I am eligible for any of the terrible effects of life in the Gollum Monster.  Everything that other addicts have done or experienced is waiting for me should I choose to pick up that first drink or drug.  This is a major reason I stay clean and in recovery, maintaining the treatment of my disease.  There is no cure, but there are some proven ways out of the dark.  There are also great benefits along the golden road of recovery :)