Development of the Self, a Feminist Perspective: Informational Article on Sue Monk Kidd's "The Secret Life of Bees" & Jean Baker Miller's "The Development of Women's Sense of Self” -Brandon Dellario LMSW LASAC

The article, “The Development of Women’s Sense of Self,” is a break from the traditional patriarchal theories of development of the self as an 'independent journey.'

Author, Jean Baker Miller points out that the early relationships in a child’s life are essential to their development of self. “This is the beginning of a sense of ‘self’ that reflects what is happening between people . . . it [child] has an early sense that ‘I feel what is going on in the other, as well as what is going on in myself.’”(Miller, pg. 13) This is a step outside the self-centered childhood life into recognition of other people in this world.

This notion is also reflected in Sue Monk Kidd’s, “The Secret Life of Bee’s,” as the main character, Lily, is constantly trying to reach out for a connection with her mother’s past, and her relationship to her. “I laid back and tried to invent a story about why my mother had owned a black Mary picture . . . All I could really figure was my mother had been mixed up with the Catholics somehow, and – I have to say – this secretly thrilled me.”(Kidd, pg. 58)

Again in this novel, After Lily and her friend Rosaleen arrived at the Boatwright’s, where they felt “a pure relief,”(Kidd, pg. 82) Lily began helping August with the bee hives. August taught her many interesting things about bees which all seemed to be a metaphor for growing up from a girl into the world of womanhood. August called this, “bee yard etiquette.”(Kidd, pg. 92) and told Lilly, “bee tales.”(Kidd, pg. 143) Miller contends that, “all growth occurs within emotional connections, not separate from them . . . to feel ‘more related to another person’ means to feel one’s self enhanced, not threatened.”(Miller, pg. 15)

Lily felt connected to August. She was healing from her father (T. Ray’s) abusive ways. She finally found a place where she had goodness of fit. Although, she did have a resentment with June Boatwright for not wanting Lily to stay initially, they came to be friends after getting to know each other and breaking from assumptions of one another.(Kidd, pg. 87) Miller explains how, “one develops a sense of self as a person who attends to and responds to what is going on in the relationships between two or more people.”(Miller, pg. 14) Lily had the competence to step up to challenges in her path and work through them, despite the distortions in her care-taking created by T. Ray.

The Boatwright sisters were a new model of independent and strong women for Lily. August lets Lily know that it is healthy to express love. When they talked about the 32 Eskimo words for love, August says, “. . . we’ll just have to invent more ways to say it.”(Kidd, pg. 140). She helps Lily to understand that her strength and happiness come from within. She tells Lily to listen for, “the Christmas story somewhere inside yourself.”(Kidd, pg. 144)

When June asked August about the peanuts and coke concoction they enjoyed, she replied, “It’s Lily’s and my favorite dessert.”(Kidd, pg. 217) Lily is involved in a network of loving support at the Boatwright’s. This environment fosters Lily’s growth into a young woman with healthy self-esteem in relation to competence, relatedness, bonding, self-direction, goodness of fit and dominance over her past. When she and August are chatting about marriage, August being a single woman, tells Lily that she isn’t against marriage, just the way “it’s set up.”(Kidd, pg. 145) Miller illustrates that young girls,

“. . . self esteem is based in feeling that she is a part of relationships and is taking care of those relationships . . . the girl and woman [caregiver] often feel a sense of effectiveness as arising out of emotional connections and as bound up with and feeding back into them. This is very different from a sense of effectiveness (or power) based in lone action and in acting against or over others.”(Miller, pg. 16)

This is radical psychological theory when compared with the long established Freudian model of development of the self, which idealizes gaining control over the innate drives of the Id to resolve internal conflicts. Here, Lily is given the opportunity for self-development in the context of her relationships to others. This is an age old tradition among strong women, to work things out in the group setting where there is connection and support.

Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ, was the worshiped god of the 'Daughter’s of Mary.' This was the Boatwright’s small church community. Lily had been helping August prepare for their religious celebration of, 'Mary Day,” and when it came, Lily participated as an active member of the worship community. When everyone circled up, giving each other communion of honey cake, Lily was fed by June who whispered an apology in her ear. All of this is similar to Miller’s ideas of “agency-in-community” where a child moves into adolescence and, “. . . has more abilities, more possibilities 'to do,' and more physical and mental resources to use.”(Miller, pg. 16) Miller claims that, “new qualities come in [in adolescence]. But this does not lead to a separate sense of self. It leads to a more complex sense of self in more complex relationships to other selves.”(Miller, pg. 17)

Lily lives with much toxic stress about accidentally killing her mother. While she is staying with August, she antagonizes on an attached outcome over what will happen when she tells August the truth about why they came, as well as the stress of anticipating to ask August about her mother. Once Lily ultimately does show August the picture of her mother (Deborah). , August says, “You are the spitting image of her.”(Kidd, pg. 235) Later on, she shows Lily some of the things her mother left behind, including a picture of Deborah holding her and smiling at her lovingly. This was the “sign” Lily wanted.(Kidd, pg. 276) But this first honest meeting of theirs shaped a healing environment for Lily to break down, cry and talk about her problems with August. “A wall of glass broke in my chest, a wall I didn’t even know was there . . . I drew up my whole lifeload of pain and hurled it into her breast, heaved it with the force of my mouth, and she didn’t even flinch [Lily thought].”(Kidd, pg. 238)

Afterward, Lily still strained about T. Ray telling her that her mother left her, as well as Deborah’s death, but it turned into a, “tolerable stress, buffeted by supportive adult relationships.”(Henry, 10/1/08) The entire story of Lily’s life exemplifies the search for adaptation to her environment. This specific process of searching out the truth of Deborah’s life was Lily’s, “active effort to create, restructure, and redefine self and environment to make it fit.”(Henry, 10/1/08) August helps Lily to understand that she can turn to God, and her own strength, for help in place of her mother’s guidance. “You have to find a mother inside yourself. We all do.”(Kidd, pg. 288) [Because], “. . . a hive without a queen was a death sentence for the bees. They would stop work and go around completely demoralized.”(Kidd, pg. 286)

Lastly, T. Ray finds Lily at the Boatwright’s house and attempts to terrorize her as he used to do. Lily tells him, “Won’t you come in . . . Have a seat if you want to.”(Kidd, pg. 290) It turns out that Lily had found strength in her attachments with the Boatwright’s, strength to refuse to participate in the vicious cycle of T. Ray’s abuse. She had found relatedness in the unitary system of the Boatwright’s dominant feminist environment. She herself shows self-development with, “. . . increased powers, an increased number of ‘opinions’ about how and what she wants ‘to do,’ and an increased assertion of what she can do.”(Miller, pg. 17) Previously with T. Ray, “she had not been able to value herself.”(Miller, pg. 23) Her new position and self-esteem, given to her through new relationships, gave Lily a “personal power and freedom to choose (self-direction).”(Henry, 9/9/08)

"The Development of Woman's Sense of Self" by Jean Baker Miller can be found @ the following URL: https://www.wcwonline.org/pdf/previews/preview_12sc.pdf

More on Sue Monk Kidd can be found @ the following URL: http://www.suemonkkidd.com/

Henry, J. (2008). SWRK 6310 Lecture Notes. Western Michigan University, September 11, 2008.
*The premise of this paper was developed by Dr. James Henry.

Kidd, S. (2002). The SECRET LIFE of BEES. Harmondsworth, Middlesex, England, Penguin Books Ltd.

Miller, J. (1981). The Development of Woman’s Sense of Self. The Stone Center Dedication Conference, 11-26.

Richardson, M. (2008). SWRK 6310 Lecture Notes. Western Michigan University, September25, 2008.